5 Birthday Presents to Avoid

My son turned 4 last month, and as I sit here trying to work up the strength to write the damn thank you notes (aka the bane of my exisistence), I realize we lucked out this year. Charlie got some great gifts, none of which landed on my DO NOT DARE BRING THIS TO MY HOUSE list, and so I’d like to share that list with you out of common courtesy.

Friends, loved ones, casual school acquaintances, please take this list into consideration the next time you go present shopping, as gifts you should NEVER bring to a kid’s party if you actually like the parents:

  1. Books that are longer than 15 pages.
    By the time 8pm rolls around, I don’t have the energy to read a 30 page book about construction vehicles. I love books, but prefer ones I can get through under 10 minutes. Especially because my kid needs 3 before bedtime. He’s so needy.
  2. Games that are meant for kids, but require full time adult participation.
    Sure, I’ll play for a while, but then please please go play with your sister, your imaginary friend, your DAD! Oh and further, please don’t gift my kids with gifts that require a technician for set up, clean up, or come with a book of instructions that the dog might eat.
  3. Anything that takes up more than 3ft in diameter.
    My house is already one giant playroom. Plus we need clear access to the emergency exit for when I decide I NEED TO GET OUT ASAP FOR A GLASS OF WINE WITH THE GIRLS!
  4. Toys that have more than 10 parts.
    Because seven of them will be lost or broken within the first ten minutes, and not even Amazon Prime 2-day shipping can handle the meltdown that will ensue.
  5. Anything that makes noise.
    You know what I’m talking about. Those high pitched, super annoying melodies that get stuck in your head for the better part of the day? This ties with “incessant wining child” as the worlds MOST annoying sound.

So there you have it friends. Unless I’ve done something to royally piss you off, please keep this in mind for when you come to our next child’s birthday party.

Oh, and….

Dear [insert: name of friend, mom, grandma, cousin, aunt, co-worker],

Thank you so much for your thoughtful gift for Charlie! It’s his favorite, he uses it daily… it’s really the best gift ever!

Love, The Hopfs

That counts as thank you notes, right???