As if the first twelve months of child rearing wasn't hard enough, new parents are also slammed with a whole new vocabulary of strange words and phrases that they have to learn to avoid looking like they don't have any clue what they're doing.
So I'm here today to lend a hand with your official glossary for year one. Learn these terms before the baby arrives and this whole parenting thing will be a piece of cake!
Also, you can relax. Despite what Pinterest leads you to believe, none of us know what the hell we're doing.
An A to Z Glossary for First Time Parents
Annie's: Code word for mac n' cheese. We call it Annie's because it sounds nicer than ezMac and it says organic on the box, which makes it okay to serve to your children 5 out of 7 nights a week.
Blowout: The new mom's right of passage. An explosive poop that despite proper diapering, somehow makes it up your baby's back and subsequently all over you.
Cradle Cap: Don't be fooled by the cute name. These are crusty yellow patches on your baby's scalp, and removing baby from said cradle will not get rid of them.
Diaper Genie: This is a fancy trash can specifically made for dirty diapers. But despite what it implies with the clever title, no matter which brand you buy, the baby room will always smell like shit.
Ergo: An ergonomically styled baby carrier that will make you feel 9 months pregnant again!
Frozen Stash: The extra "just in case" milk that every nursing mom works her ass off to produce and hoard in the freezer.
Gastroesophageal Reflex (GER): When contents of the stomach come back up into the esophagus, which occurs when the junction between the esophagus and the stomach is not completely developed or is abnormal. In other words, every mom who has a gassy or spit up prone baby will assume that baby has GER.
Hand Foot and Mouth: I hate the person who came up with this stupid name of the very contagious, painful, and just all around shitty child virus, that spreads through daycare faster than you can find your own hand foot and mouth.
Intolerance: Often but not always to dairy, this is a fun guessing game of why your baby won't stop spitting up.
Jumperoo: Also known as the "circle of neglect", this is a magical contraption that keeps your baby happily contained while you do important things like make dinner and scroll through Instagram.
Kangaroo Care: Naked time with baby! The beneficial act of putting skin-to-skin with a new baby. The name is half as cute as when my husband did this with our newborns. Swoon.
Lovey: A blanket, stuffed animal or other security item that your baby will need 24/7, which you will inevitably leave at the airport terminal as you depart on a family vacation.
Magic Merlin: No, this is not a man who magically comes to your house and folds all of your laundry. This is a space age looking sleep suit that supposedly helps your child sleep through the night. The jury is still out.
Nose Freida: One of the weirdest yet greatest inventions for new parents, that allows you to literally suck the boogers out of baby's nose. Don't take my word for it, watch it here.
Onsie: An adorable t-shirt with snaps that you will be gifted 8,000 of at your baby shower, which is good because your baby will poop on at least 3 of them a day. See Blowout.
Plagiocephaly: Also known as "flat head syndrome", which usually happens when a baby sleeps in the same position most of the time or because of problems with the neck muscles. Whether or not your baby actually has it, all parents will freak out over it at some point.
Quiet time: I'm not exactly sure how to define this one, as I haven't withnessed it in four years.
RockNPlay: Not to be confused with the PackNPlay, this handy sleeping portal may give you an extra hour of sleep at night. If you spring for the deluxe version, it also rocks the baby and cuts the baby's fingernails. That second part is a lie.
Snoo: A new $1200 crib that apparently will also soothe your crying baby back to sleep. For the price tag, it also better come with a contribution to a college savings plan.
Transfer: The act of moving your sleeping child from the car to the crib, without waking. I've only heard stories of a successful transfer. I have never personally witnessed it.
Unconditional Love: You may have thought you understood this term before children, but I believe that your kids are the only ones who can be total shit heads, yet you still love them with every piece of your heart.
Varicose veins: As if post nursing boobs weren't gifts enough, these lovely ladies will often make a permanent home on your post childbirth body.
Witching Hour: A daily baby freak out, usually between 4pm and 7pm, however can start as early as 11am and last all night long.
Xylophone: One of the most annoyingly loud children's toys ever made. And you betcha' you'll end up with at least 2 as gifts from friends who clearly hate you.
Yogurt: No longer the tasty breakfast treat. Now a food that will get stuck in places you never knew existed.
Zoli: One of many many many brands of sippy cups you will buy in an attempt to find the right one that will actually work for your kid.
Alrighty new and expecting parents, that's all you need to know!
Wishing you the best of luck on your journey.
And when all else fails, there's always boxed wine.